Crashing Waves

So, last night as I was driving home from a meeting, the Lord gently nudged me to the prayer room.  After about five minutes of arguing with Him, I finally said "Fine, I'll go."  Do you ever do that?  Anyway, as usual, I love how He pursues me heart.  It was such a sweet time.  While I was there, I had this revelation about His love.  His love is like the waves of the ocean.   Thinking back to the times I've been in an ocean, it wasn't the most gentle experience.  The waves can push you around, pull you under...it's a force. But then there are those times of gentleness where the waves just roll in.  During different seasons, the force of the waves change.

During different seasons of our lives we experience the fierceness and the gentleness of His love.  His love over takes you, it will pull you under, it will crash over you.  He wants, even needs you to be aware of his love by consuming you with waves and waves on every side.  He doesn't do it because He has to, He does it because that is who He is.  It's His way of getting our attention, of pursuing our heart, of reminding us that He is in love.

He has to get my attention and remind me by crashing in more often than I care to admit.  But I love how He knows just how to get to my heart.  He knows me so well.  He knows you so well.  He knows when He needs to be gentle and when the next wave needs to knock me down and pull me under.  This is the kind of love that has no bounds. That will not end.

This is a love that is bigger than the ocean.  There is no beginning.  There is no end.

^{Ephesians 3:17-19
17} so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Love...

Love…

As I think about this word I wonder, what is LOVE?  We frequently throw out the word or the words “I love you”.  I mean let’s face it, I love my animals, I love my family, I love my friends, I love what I do.  But what is love?  We as a culture are bombarded with LOVE in February in regard to Valentine’s Day. 

I wonder if we really know…. I don’t think I do.  I can’t say that I’ve ever been “in love” with anyone.  I laugh when I hear people tell me they “love” their boyfriend/girlfriend after a week of dating.  Love can’t be that superficial, can it?  Do we throw this seemingly intense and deep emotion around so casually? 

For anyone who knows me, I’m a hopeless romantic.  I enjoy chick flicks and frequently think I was born in the wrong century, as I am under the impression that the days of Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility would suit me much better.  I read these stories and watch the movies and think, “I can’t believe they have so much self-control!”  I mean seriously, we have lost so much.  Men don’t express their intentions first before letting go of their emotions like they once did.  Sorry. That could be a completely different blog.  I digress.

The last few weeks I have been feeling this swirl of emotion around me.  I tend to just sit back and let it run its course, but some interesting events have occurred and I’m starting to get the smallest amount of clarity.  I have been exceptionally lonely lately when I start feeling this way; it’s typically a BIG red flag that I am not doing the things I need to be doing to stay on track spiritually.  So after a considerable amount of journaling and some amazing talks with friends, I have come to the conclusion that I am being pursued.  There is a man, who wants me to know what it’s like to be loved and to love.  It’s almost frightening at how intense it feels. 

This man knows me.  He knows my personality.  He knows my likes and dislikes. He has attended to my heart and has been nothing but a gentleman.  He waits patiently for me to trust him like he trusts me.  He wants a relationship with me.  He frequently comes to me despite my unworthiness, my mistakes, my lack of attention toward him and whispers gently in my ear, “I like you”.

Oh, how I push him away.  Most often because I think I have failed him.  I have set my gaze on other things.  This man, Jesus, knowing my frame and how I was created, knowing my deepest hurts, knowing my greatest fears, lovingly looks me in the eyes and says “I love you.  You are enough.  You have not disappointed me.  Trust me with your heart, because I trust you with mine.” 

I ask him often enough, “Are you sure you want to love me?  I really messed up.  Do you really know who I am because I’m weak and I get distracted by other things?”  Oh how he pursues me.  His affection never waivers, his words remain the same.  “I love you.  Don’t you know that I know you?  Don’t you know that I am jealous for you?  I will not stop pursuing you until I have your whole heart.” 

Who is this man?  Who is this one who stepped out of heaven and took on the form of a human being?  Who is this blameless one who chose to be beaten and broken?  Who chose to die for me? 

He looks me in the eye and tells me, “I did it for you. I love you.“ The depths of this love I cannot comprehend.  Ephesians talks about the length, the width, the depths and the height of his love for me.  His affection for me is like an ocean with no boundaries.  How incomprehensible! 

He is pursuing me.  He has made it clear that he will continue to do so.  Is it possible to fully know the affection, to fully understand this intimate love he so desires?  I don’t know if it’s possible on this side, but I’m willing to go deep into this love.  I’m willing to be pruned for this love.  I’m willing to say “YES” despite the weakness of my heart in this moment.  I want to know this love.  I want to know this man. 

Oh relationships...

It's been a busy week.  I am a bit astonished that in seven days so much can get accomplished and so much can be talked about.  I was reflecting on some conversations I have had this past week and there has been some revelation on some issues of my heart...Particularly around relationships.  In an effort to continually teach and grow me, the Lord has drug up some very painful emotions and thoughts that I had considered dissolved.  Ha...what do I know!  I love that He doesn't just leave me in a numb place!  Even though the process can be painful, yes I know I've said it before...it's still good. 

So as I was talking to some girlfriends, they were lamenting their relationships with husbands and victories with ex-whatevertheyares.  There were some similar themes happening.  As I began to talk about friendships that have dissipated, I too began to realize why I was hurt and angry.  Why this was coming back up for further exploration.  It occurred to me in a "light bulb moment" that I was hurt because I thought I wasn't worth fighting for.  Now my friends had been discussing this for weeks...months...that the men in their life wouldn't fight for love, or make changes to behavior.  I came to this amazing realization that all relationships are the same..friends, husbands, etc.  We all want to be ENOUGH to fight for.  I mean, really, is it so much to ask?  People say "I miss you", "I love you"....yet behavior never changes....habits never change.  They don't fight for the friendship...the relationship in general.  Now I come to this place and wonder....do I keep initiating, do I keep putting forth the effort?  I just get tired...and those awful thoughts come up...why am I not enough to fight for...why is my friendship not enough to go to battle for? 

I have discovered after a lot of prayer...a lot of tears...that I am enough.  All of this started making sense last night as I was having coffee with one of my friends from the paragraph above.  She was sharing her confusion between her faith and culture that she grew up in and the picture of what she is currently experiencing with her faith.  I was trying to explain that despite the rules and the guilt placed on us by religion, Jesus still loves us...even in our weakness.  We are enough.  He knows we are human, we are weak and despite it all....He still loves.  He still pursues....He still woos. 

So there it is, relationships are all the same.  I have decided I'll pursue the relationships that need to be pursued at this point in my life.  Hoping and praying that maybe in time change will come for others as much as it has come for me.  Despite my need to be enough, I want others to know they are enough to fight for in my world.  I know for all of us this is a deep need.  We enjoy being pursued and knowing we are wanted.  I guess I can't make people think this way.  I'm going to wait in the knowledge that I am enough for some, and I am being pursued by the Righteous and Lovesick King.  That is enough....ultimately...for me.

~R

The glory of spring

I love spring.  Creation finally starts to come alive again, so do my spirits!  In the last few weeks, as the flowers and trees have started to bloom so have some of the issues of my heart.  It's almost comical when I sit here and think about the different experiences that have awakened me to long lost desires or baggage that needed to be unpacked because it has not been dealt with.  So much to think about...to pray about.

I went to Omaha last week, I didn't realize how much I needed to take a break.  I had a great time just exploring the city.  I was talking to a friend on my first night and I was sharing my realization that I don't actually live life.  I go to work, have my routine of coming home and pretty much doing the same thing the next day.  Now every now and again I might spice it up with a trip to the dog park.  I know...out of control!  I have decided this is unacceptable.  I need to stop thinking about doing different things...and just DO them!  I am tired of watching life just pass me by.  I'm going to experience things....take time for the things I enjoy...take time for me!

So this is where the OT in me comes out...ENJOY LIFE!  Have some fun and do something you haven't done in a while or ever!  Join me in the enjoyment of life!

~R

What to do....

Well, it's been a rather difficult day.  My level II student has finished her three month rotation and here I am left to get MYSELF organized!  It's always a bittersweet event when three months have concluded.  Yes, I get to go back to life on my terms and not have to worry about anyone but my clients and myself--but every now and again I get to connect with some really amazing people who impact me on a zillion levels.  I have come to enjoy the process that is fieldwork.  The first week these students come to me full of book knowledge and anxious about "passing".  Then the process begins when I start making them interact with clients...staff...me (this can be difficult on some days!).  Sometimes I have to work to completely change the way they think about the population or the way "occupational therapy works".  They have to apply the knowledge they have to a real life client...scary!  There is usually a realization that they have their own skills to work on and their own junk to wade through.  I love the process...it's so fun to watch them blossom into therapists and if their willing into amazing people. 

Most of them look at me all crazy like when I tell them at the beginning they may have to deal with their own junk...some don't believe me...that's ok.  It's a process.  My favorite students are those who are courageous enough to start their own journey and who use it as a way of connecting with people.  I remember when I started my own journey...the wonderful people who encouraged and cheered me on...what a blessing to know that even now the process continues.  Growth in all areas of one's life can be difficult...painful even....but it's a process!  Enjoy it!

~R

First Blog EVER!!

Ok, so after reading the rantings and thoughts of others in the blogging world...I have decided why the heck not!  Of course, I don't know who will read my rantings, but if you choose to I hope that it either gives you a giggle or gives you a different perspective! 

I've wondered about blogging for quite some time...people tell me I should share my thoughts and ideas and I've always just laughed.  Apparently I'm funny sometimes so they think that will come out in my writing.  We'll see...  I know I have these weird "lightbulb moments" where everything just seems to make sense in my head.  I hope I have the ability to express them well enough to make sense to other people! 

I'd love to hear your comments so please post!

~R