Oh relationships...

It's been a busy week.  I am a bit astonished that in seven days so much can get accomplished and so much can be talked about.  I was reflecting on some conversations I have had this past week and there has been some revelation on some issues of my heart...Particularly around relationships.  In an effort to continually teach and grow me, the Lord has drug up some very painful emotions and thoughts that I had considered dissolved.  Ha...what do I know!  I love that He doesn't just leave me in a numb place!  Even though the process can be painful, yes I know I've said it before...it's still good. 

So as I was talking to some girlfriends, they were lamenting their relationships with husbands and victories with ex-whatevertheyares.  There were some similar themes happening.  As I began to talk about friendships that have dissipated, I too began to realize why I was hurt and angry.  Why this was coming back up for further exploration.  It occurred to me in a "light bulb moment" that I was hurt because I thought I wasn't worth fighting for.  Now my friends had been discussing this for weeks...months...that the men in their life wouldn't fight for love, or make changes to behavior.  I came to this amazing realization that all relationships are the same..friends, husbands, etc.  We all want to be ENOUGH to fight for.  I mean, really, is it so much to ask?  People say "I miss you", "I love you"....yet behavior never changes....habits never change.  They don't fight for the friendship...the relationship in general.  Now I come to this place and wonder....do I keep initiating, do I keep putting forth the effort?  I just get tired...and those awful thoughts come up...why am I not enough to fight for...why is my friendship not enough to go to battle for? 

I have discovered after a lot of prayer...a lot of tears...that I am enough.  All of this started making sense last night as I was having coffee with one of my friends from the paragraph above.  She was sharing her confusion between her faith and culture that she grew up in and the picture of what she is currently experiencing with her faith.  I was trying to explain that despite the rules and the guilt placed on us by religion, Jesus still loves us...even in our weakness.  We are enough.  He knows we are human, we are weak and despite it all....He still loves.  He still pursues....He still woos. 

So there it is, relationships are all the same.  I have decided I'll pursue the relationships that need to be pursued at this point in my life.  Hoping and praying that maybe in time change will come for others as much as it has come for me.  Despite my need to be enough, I want others to know they are enough to fight for in my world.  I know for all of us this is a deep need.  We enjoy being pursued and knowing we are wanted.  I guess I can't make people think this way.  I'm going to wait in the knowledge that I am enough for some, and I am being pursued by the Righteous and Lovesick King.  That is enough....ultimately...for me.

~R

The glory of spring

I love spring.  Creation finally starts to come alive again, so do my spirits!  In the last few weeks, as the flowers and trees have started to bloom so have some of the issues of my heart.  It's almost comical when I sit here and think about the different experiences that have awakened me to long lost desires or baggage that needed to be unpacked because it has not been dealt with.  So much to think about...to pray about.

I went to Omaha last week, I didn't realize how much I needed to take a break.  I had a great time just exploring the city.  I was talking to a friend on my first night and I was sharing my realization that I don't actually live life.  I go to work, have my routine of coming home and pretty much doing the same thing the next day.  Now every now and again I might spice it up with a trip to the dog park.  I know...out of control!  I have decided this is unacceptable.  I need to stop thinking about doing different things...and just DO them!  I am tired of watching life just pass me by.  I'm going to experience things....take time for the things I enjoy...take time for me!

So this is where the OT in me comes out...ENJOY LIFE!  Have some fun and do something you haven't done in a while or ever!  Join me in the enjoyment of life!

~R